


The Library of Ill Repute: A Tale of Two (hundred) Text Messages

by shihadchick



Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Multi, chatfic humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-31
Updated: 2010-01-31
Packaged: 2017-10-06 21:20:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/57859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shihadchick/pseuds/shihadchick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So, back in 2007 I started getting into bandom. And on Christmas Eve, the enigmatic Lady R. and I were both stuck at work, being both drowned in Way Too Fucking Much To Do AND bored out of our skulls at the same time, and we started... texting back and forth.  With epic crack fic.  And kept going at intervals over the next several months.  And it's entirely possible that this is mostly just funny to us (and Kat; I did a quality control test!), but we kinda figure that, after eighteen months, we really should set this baby free since it's more and more apparent it's never quite going to transmogrify into proper prose.</p><p>As such, please allow us to present the Library of Ill-Repute, a collected work of chat transcription and AU crack fic, in really quite a lot of parts.  Contents may contain silliness, unrealistic band interaction, Frank/Gerard, Bob/Ray, Mikey/Brian, Panic GSF, Pete/Patrick, and far more cameos than sanity allows me to mention.  Also, some really bad puns.</p>
    </blockquote>





	The Library of Ill Repute: A Tale of Two (hundred) Text Messages

**Author's Note:**

> So, back in 2007 I started getting into bandom. And on Christmas Eve, the enigmatic Lady R. and I were both stuck at work, being both drowned in Way Too Fucking Much To Do AND bored out of our skulls at the same time, and we started... texting back and forth. With epic crack fic. And kept going at intervals over the next several months. And it's entirely possible that this is mostly just funny to us (and Kat; I did a quality control test!), but we kinda figure that, after eighteen months, we really should set this baby free since it's more and more apparent it's never quite going to transmogrify into proper prose.
> 
> As such, please allow us to present the Library of Ill-Repute, a collected work of chat transcription and AU crack fic, in really quite a lot of parts. Contents may contain silliness, unrealistic band interaction, Frank/Gerard, Bob/Ray, Mikey/Brian, Panic GSF, Pete/Patrick, and far more cameos than sanity allows me to mention. Also, some really bad puns.

**C:** So I'm thinking about Frank Iero, Punk Librarian, and how the new guy in the library, Bryar, keeps being the one who gets stuck kicking out Wentz and Saporta when they get caught trying to deflower the first years in the 900 stacks up on the fifth floor.

**R:** And Patrick, Bryar's flatmate who got him the job, is the long-suffering librarian who gets stuck doing the cataloguing, or at least recataloguing everything that Pete has stuck in the romance section. He sits out the back because he's bad when it comes to dealing with the little old ladies who pinch his cheeks and Pete always teases him about how he blushes so easily when Greta from the main branch comes by to drop off the transfers.

* * *

They totally have a strict roster - which people totally bet and/or scam their way around - for who gets to order and then catalogue the graphic novels and comics each month, and EVERYONE wants to. Occasionally there are wrestling matches after hours in the kids' section cushion nook for the privilege. Frank somehow usually wins those, cos he's little and SNEAKY.

And Frank is getting used to his position of power, except then Gerard and Mikey, the guys who normally travel around and do the kids holiday program get put on the permanent staff [Gerard does the art classes and Mikey the story time - the kids love him as he's so deadpan], and now for some reason Frank keeps losing to Gerard and he's not even a librarian! He just gives Frank this look, and Frank goes weak at the knees and he gives in without thinking about it.

Also, there's Ray, the bookmobile guy, who does the run out to all the outlying communities. The kids are alternately terrified and fascinated by his hair. He has a small crush on the new guy, Bryar, but ends up hiding out the back with Patrick most of the time when he's in the library and they commiserate with each other over the way the little old ladies pinch their cheeks and their respective unrequited loves [Pete may tease Patrick about Greta, but it's really Pete he wants]. Ray and Patrick even hooked up for a while ages ago, but they decided they were better off as friends. The rest of the library rumour mill is a bit far behind though in this case, which is why Bob's not made a move on Ray. And Pete's just clueless generally.

* * *

**C:** Oh, and why do I feel like there's at least one person who, when they're getting stressed/wound up, gets given an armful of jigsaw puzzles from the media library and told to sit down and check for missing pieces?

**R:** Probably Beckett, he's so highly strung. But then they hire Travis, the cleaner, and one day they find the two of them in the storage cupboard getting high with Pete's friend Joe (and isn't that an experience, trying to explain the smell to the kids during storytime) and from then on Spencer is on puzzle duty.

* * *

Mikey's manning the returns scanner one morning, all hair in his eyes and half-awake behind his glasses, and Gerard's drinking his coffee in -plain sight- no matter how Frank tries to look disapproving, and Bob and Ray are just sort of lurking around with their hidden glances of 'oh, yes, THAT, please' at each other. It's kind of an average morning. (Despite the fact the library opens at half-past eight, none of them are precisely morning _people_.)

* * *

Also? The pack of them would be the most NICOTINE DEPENDENT librarians ever. And people give them amusing ash-trays to keep out in the alley behind the library, so there's a Frankenstein's Monster one where you stick the butt in the side of its head, and one reads 'burn CDs, not books'.

Gerard totally does the window display up one week to match... it says 'TV rots the brain, read comics'. And Frank dies a little inside because how is he even real? And then it's time for the staff Christmas party, and for some unknown reason they put Brendon in charge of the eggnog, which was the biggest mistake ever, and for a few weeks before the staff keep trading off kris kringles, because everyone wants Patrick because he's everyone's favourite, but somehow Pete gets Patrick, even though he's not even STAFF and shouldn't have even been invited, and he just won't trade.

That's the first year they agreed to let their student librarians decorate for the holidays, and Ross and Urie use up what looks like half a costume shop full of paints and decals while Spencer Smith supervises and makes snarky suggestions about where Ryan can shove the tinsel while Jon Walker drifts around taking photos for the local paper, tugging the lower level of the frieze Brendon's tracing onto the window level as he goes by, and Frank shushes them with a tolerant giggle when they pile back inside, speckled with snow and still kind of using their outdoor voices.

* * *

And then for reasons we can't be bothered bullshitting sufficiently right now they use the old 'let your fingers do the walking' slogan in the windows - maybe it's Encyclopedia Week! They're encouraging people to learn how to research things! - and someone gets their knickers in a twist saying they're discouraging physical activity, cueing looks of ! from the guys, and Pete just makes suggestive comments and gropes at Patrick a bit and Frank tries to look disgusted instead of amused.

And, oh god, Ray maybe rides a bike - push bike, not a motor one - to work and he chains it up outside at the bike rack every day and walks in with Bob, who's half there on time to make sure he's not around before Frank's worked off at least a kilowatt of his morning hyper, and also to try and figure out finally just HOW Ray gets that hair into his helmet.

Oh, and one day it's snowing so hard, and Bob is driving to work and he sees Ray, who's been hit by a spray of slush from a passing truck, struggling up the massive hill, and so he has to stop and offer him a lift in, even though it's so hard for him to not just take him home and shove him in the shower. So they stick Ray's bike in the back of the pickup, and Bob bundles Ray up in all the spare blankets he keeps in the cab because he knows the weather and when they get into work he makes an offhand comment about how Ray's boyfriend needs to take better care of him and Ray's all bzuh? and then there is all this misunderstanding that eventually ends in snogging.

* * *

**R:** FANDOM SCRABBLE! Just got your comment from last night. Triple fandom score totally made me think of it. I wonder what words we could get away with...

**C:** Fandom scrabble would indeed be awesome. Hrm. And so help me god, now I want someone to make a bandom version of Crude-O ('It was Pete and Mikey, in the tour bus, with the video camera." *grin*)

**R:** AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GOD. THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC! (Jon and Spencer in the laundry with the spin cycle...)

**C:** Oh my god, YES. Also wow, hi, i actually REALLY want to do that now. (Brian and Bob on the drum riser with an audience.)

**R:** Ahahahaha looks like we have a new project then yes? OH. DUDE. It can be something that the librarians come up with on a slow day. It's totally Frank and Pete.

**R:** You know, I don't actually think we came up with a role for Brian in all our original plotting. That was sorely remiss of us. I know, he's the computer tech! :D

**C:** Oh my god, yes. That makes it even MORE awesome. And Gee can do the artwork as a favour to Frank and he's not really sure WHY he wants pictures of all these places, and then Patrick wants to know why PETE is going around taking photos of everyone, and the fact that for once he's NOT trying to make them take their clothes off first strikes him as DEEPLY suspicious.

* * *

And actually, if Patrick can bring himself to admit it, he's more than a little jealous, Frank and Pete suddenly spending all this time together. It's all very shifty, the way they keep springing apart when anyone walks past. Gerard has no qualms, he knows he's jealous. So he starts making plans to lock Pete in the storage cabinet with Patrick. And replacing the water in his canteen with white rum. Or vodka. And turn up the heating... Ray's actually helping with the plan (Gerard sold him on the 'Patrick finally gets some angle') because he's getting a bit sick of Patrick's pining, and Bob seems to have the wrong idea about Ray and Patrick for some reason, so he's not making with the touching, and Ray's getting a bit frustrated with it all. After all Bob's really hot, and Ray's only human. He really wants a piece of that.

And also, just imagine, Pete being all indignant after plans unfold because they all have FILTHY minds and he can't believe they're insinuating that he would be involved in THAT with Frank and it's all perfectly innocent - well, aside from how they're making up that kind of board game, but - and by then no one will be able to keep a straight (ha) face because Pete's innocent look is so tragically misplaced and unconvincing.

* * *

**R:** Pete has an innocent look? Dude, something tells me that no one's ever seen it, not even Patrick.

* * *

And that then takes us off on a tangent about how Pete decides it's time to initiate a prank war at the library, and Patrick is sure he's up to something but can't figure out what, because Pete keeps trying to distract him with the new puppy he just got, even though they don't normally allow dogs in the library, but Pete named him Hemmingway! So Frank kinda had to make an exception, especially since all the kids love Hemmy so much. And Patrick's not fooled, especially since Pete's innocent look makes him look like he's trying to audition for a part in the Bambi panto at the local arts centre (and also makes him look like a terrible over-actor) but he just can't work out what Pete's planning. And also no one believes him when he's trying to convince them that Pete's up to something, apart from maybe Ray, but Ray's been a bit distracted recently. So Patrick has to turn all super sleuth and sneak around corners after Pete, but he's kinda not too good with sneaky, especially since when he's peeking around a corner looking for Pete one of the little old lady regulars comes up behind him and pinches his ass, and he squeaks and jumps a foot, and well, that doesn't help with the stealth.

* * *

One day - probably a lot later than anyone else would've got around to it, but, well - Ray actually says to Pete, "Seriously, don't you have a JOB or anything?" and Pete just tries to look all inscrutable and winsome at the same time and says "I'm a student. Of human nature." Patrick slightly wants to kick himself for finding that charming.

One wonders just how oblivious Frank is about all the subtext drifting around the place, because on the one hand, he's too smart to be entirely clueless and he'd know SOMETHING was up with Gerard, but at the same time, he's maybe not entirely in touch with his baser impulses towards him because, oh, sure, -aesthetically- he can totally see that Gee is hot, that pretty face and nice hands, his eyes and the way he looks at you, dark and direct and so warm, and then that fucking sexy voice he gets, especially when he wants something, but that's just, you know, being observant. He doesn't think about Gerard that way, really. Well, Not in daylight, anyway.

But when Pete goes missing for half the day just when they're at the crucial point in the 'project', and then Gerard accosts him with a whole pile of new ideas for the kids area of the library, Frank takes it as a sign and distracts himself by poking at Gerard for a few hours. It's kinda fun, the way Gerard keeps getting more and more flustered (and Gerard's all 'this is NOT how the plan was meant to go'] and eventually Gerard runs away and Frank just HAS to follow, because he's so hot when he's flustered, and somehow they end up trapped in the archive rooms (Ray's decided to be 'helpful' because he's not dumb, and does actually know that Gerard's plan was more about getting Pete away from Frank than it was to get Patrick laid) and well... things happen.

And afterwards NO ONE wants to think too hard about the fingerprints and the scuff-y type marks on the glass of some of the climate-controlled cabinets, they're just all very relieved none of them have to clean in there. And the cone of silence extends to people not actually passing comment on the bruised-pink marks around the collar of Franks' vintage Queen shirt, although Mikey takes one look and goes to hide in the kids section with Captain Underpants because then he doesn't have to think about his -brother- doing that. It does take a week or two for anyone to notice that Frank goes pretty much the same pink as Spencer's shirt whenever any of the college students come in and ask to look through the old register of burials from the cemetery out by the interstate which is kept in the archives. Bob enjoys the hell out of himself making slyly innocent comments to both Frank and Gerard until Brendon is unwise enough to ask directly, eyes huge behind the glasses he shoves back up his nose as he says 'Wait, are you saying they- YOU- went d-' and then Spencer and Ryan grab an arm each and Ryan's free hand slaps over Brendon's mouth in what seems to be a well-practiced move, and they drag him out to do some shelving while Pete snickers loudly from his nest of cushions by the encyclopedias (and Patrick, oddly enough) and Ray and Bob and Gerard all do their best not to make eye contact for the next few minutes.

And that's kind of how Bob and Ray eventually hook up, too. Brendon says something a bit direct, as he does, and Ray has an 'OH' moment, and goes and drags Bob into the underground carpark (because all the other good makeout spots seen to be taken) and they end up in the flatbed of Bob's pickup with the blankets.

More specifically, Ray's sort of just dragging confused-but-going-along-with-it-cos-it's-Ray!Bob by the elbow and getting progressively more determined to find some privacy and when they do just end up in Bob's truck all of the pent-up _everything_ just about swamps them, and Ray is maybe actually a little afraid his head MIGHT explode, and then he tells himself he needs to read fewer of Gee's comics and also, hello, he has a halfway-naked and getting more so Bob in his lap so now is clearly the time to ignore the hell out of his inner monologue.

Luckily all this is after-hours one night when they've had a big shipment of new stuff and everyone's stayed back to help catalogue, but after they'd found Pete and Patrick in the cushion nook, Frank and Gerard in the storage cupboard, Gabe and William under Patrick's desk, Brendon and Ryan AND Spencer and Jon in the archive rooms (and Ray's still blushing about that), Joe and Travis getting high in the returns room, and MIKEY AND BRIAN IN THE CLEANING CUPBOARD, well, Ray's just a bit frustrated and public indecency charges be damned.

* * *

Brian and Mikey actually took a considerable amount of time to get their respective acts together.

Mikey kept having Brian look at his laptop on a just-about-daily-basis for a while (at first Brian thought it was actually a particularly inept - if sort of cute - way of hitting on him, but then Gerard and Frank make some remarks in his hearing that make it clear that, no, that's just Mikey and electronics), and the problem is, now Brian's sort of in the habit of thinking about him That Way and it's... more difficult than he'd expected to stop. It doesn't help that he keeps somehow ending up in the break room at the same time as Mikey (okay, so maybe Gee DOES meddle, a little, but it's for Mikey's own good even if he hasn't twigged yet, and Brian is a good guy who might actually be good enough for his little brother), and Mikey is funny under that deadpan exterior, and they have similar taste in music, and when Brian says he'll tag along with Mikey and some of his friends to catch a local band the next evening, he's pretty sure that it's not going to take much on his part to become the next victim of (what he has privately labelled) the big gay matchmaking plot that seems to radiate out of the library. It's actually a much less galling prospect than he'd have thought weeks ago.

* * *

Things started to settle a bit more a couple of days after the ever-infamous Cataloguing Night of the Giving Head - which was Pete's cavalier choice of name, dropped into an almost-silent pre-caffeine staffroom one morning early in the week. Gerard laughed, Frank laughed and then smacked both Gerard and Pete. (Bob and Ray were out the back making-out in the smoking area anyway and missed it all, but Mikey passed the word along later.) Bob tried to argue the suitability of the name precisely once that same evening, and then went pale when Mikey just went quiet and smug and certain, all disbelieving-eyebrow-raise of like-you-can-really-argue-Bryar-come-on.

"Really, Pete," Patrick had said, safely on the other side of the room and thus theoretically out of range of Pete's good-sense-destroying ambit, "I wish you wouldn't. I mean," he went on, manfully ignoring his own tender years, "it's not really a great example for the kids, is it?"

Bob, who could actually see said 'kids' in a puppy pile in the cushion nook that he wasn't entirely sure didn't actually involve some very grown-up and indecent acts being performed right at that very minute, just snorted and said, "Didn't you see them the other night, Patrick?"

Patrick looked boggled. So did Frank. Gerard looked inscrutable, but then he'd sort of been practicing that a lot lately anyway and so it probably didn't mean much. Pete was also frowning, but with an edge that suggested he was thinking something that was - for once - probably about as dirty as the reality. Bob and Ray exchanged looks. No way. They were ahead of the gossip curve on this one?

"Huh," Frank said, which seemed to be that, until Gerard craned his neck to look at the foursome - just in time to catch Spencer, of all people, trying to look like he wasn't wrist-deep in the back of Brendon's jeans and with undeniable intent - and startled visibly.

"Oh! That's why we ended up with all those copies of 'the Ethical Slut' and half a dozen other books on polyamory! I thought that was a bit much even for Frank." He grinned, looking illuminated, and Frank threw himself over the back of the couch at him, vowing to make him pay, and Bob thought, well, at least there weren't any actual kids around after closing, so what the hell.

* * *

**C:** I also want there to be some kind of kerfuffle where someone wants to ban a book, cos can't you just imagine them?? Gerard especially.

**R:** YES! Actually, can it be Harry Potter?

* * *

And it's some overbearing mother who's all snarky about what kids are reading these days, and Gerard is all 'it could be so much worse.' And there's a big face-off with the local PTA, because the mother is the chair, and all the teachers support the library and it's all very messy!

There are pointless arguments back and forth - 'It supports witchcraft!' 'Well, we actually have a very good relationship with the pagan community and they'd be the first to tell you that it's fictional!' 'But what will the children THINK? It'll warp them!' 'Can't they make up their own minds?' 'I hardly think you're the person to encourage them there!' 'What's that supposed to mean?' and then it's all tattoos and sexual preferences and 'make-up is for girls' and the remainder of the PTA quailing in a ball of 'stop being on our side, you're making our side look stupid!'

And the upshot of all of this is, that, well, the comment about make-up really was a bridge too far. Because of course Gerard is all 'You want boys in make-up? We'll show you boys in fucking make-up!' and so one day they all show up to work in drag. Most of them look exceedingly convincing, and a lot of the customers are baffled because the entire library staff calling in sick on the one day and needing temp staff is very unlikely, but then Bob comes out from the back room in a fetching blue number (Gerard had said it would match his eyes) and he hasn't SHAVED and well, pretty much everyone clicks. Tom, who had sneaked over from the other library to see what all the fuss was about recoils a bit, because he realises that the hot chick he's been hitting on is actually SPENCER. But god, he was so convincing with those HIPS.

Jon and Bob and Andy all refused to shave their legs. It was kind of awesome.

Mikey gets hit on ALL DAY, even more than usual, because now the bored bisexual soccer moms (we stereotype with love!) are all 'Who IS that cute dykey girl reading Dr Seuss?

Andy is wearing this cute halter top but refuses to shave under his arms because 'As a woman I resent that I have to change my appearance to fit in with societal norms. Besides, it's very liberating'.

Near the end of the day when they're sort of loopy, Brendon leads Ryan, Jon and Spencer (who's trying to look uninvolved but following anyway) in a puppy-pile attack on Bob, who he claims is letting the side down, and threatens to shave him, and Bob just raises an eyebrow at Jon, similarly unshaven, and he suggests maybe he should start closer to home but "He's Jon, though" (Brendon logic) and Bob sort of struggles - cos come on, they're all tiny humans - and pins Ryan and Brendon at least - he knows where the most danger lies, but Ray is just laughing his ass off and refusing to help, and so when Brian turns up and taps the plastic razor (pink) against his palm thoughtfully Bob just groans (which nearly knocks Jon and Ryan off his chest where they were giggling) and shuts his eyes, giving in. Spencer and Ray just manage to share a look which clearly says 'Oh god, this shouldn't be hot!' and Ray gets this kind of possessive look on his face, Mikey sticks his head in, blinks, and then just wanders off to tell Gee and Frank, and Pete and Patrick take advantage to sneak out to the bathroom for a dirty groping session in front of the mirror.

Also? Ray has pigtails.

People keep trying to pet clean-shaven!Bob's chin because - smooth! And then he tries to hide behind Ray, and Gerard maybe starts quoting _A New Hope_, and Bob is all "Gerard, are you calling me a wookiee?" and making eyebrows at him and Frank snickers "Well, not any more," and Bob points out that, hey, it's no skin off his nose if his boss perhaps accidentally takes a seasonally early dip in the creek down the block, if you know what he means, which of course does little more than to incite a conga line of people who should have more dignity singing "Feeling hot hot hot!" Saner persons look around warily for rabbit holes.

* * *

 

**R:** Also, in regards to your email about the spin cycle? Well, they had no CHOICE. Frank and Gee had stolen all the toys and locked themselves in the conservatory!

**C:** Yeah, I totally had a comment mentally lining up earlier about Frank and toys except then my brain went to the logic-and-hygiene place and the parenthesis about how things were 'definitely CLEAN, and come on, Mikey, there's condoms too, okay' just got too long to fit in a text. *grin* And then when Jon would try and complain to Gerard and Frank about their manners in doing that Gerard would just say something lofty about how he had faith the infants could improvise when necessary, etc. ...and now the slash-within-the-slash-within-the-slash nature of this is making me both have meta and want to draw diagrams.

* * *

Also, so they totally have a friendly rivalry with Matt, Chris and Dom, and the other guys at the library the next municipality over. They've got a few student librarians as well; John, Jesse and Tom, and they decide one day to break in to Frank's library and steal their mascot, which is totally this scruffy lion with a matted mane that the kids have christened Bert. Pete decides that this means war, mainly because he hates seeing the kids sad (and they want to keep Hemmy as a replacement and Pete's just, no) so, OH. PRANK WAR.

So Pete and Frank totally manage to get Bert back from the dastardlys at the other library, and the kids are ecstatic because Bert was totally named after the old music teacher from the kids program, and if his lion disappeared they'd be inconsolable because all the kids loved him so much, even if he was a bit dirty. And they want to name another one of the stuffed toys after Pete after the rescue, who thinks that's just SO COOL. He also kinda misses Bert, because Bert was awesome, but the library didn't have the funding at the time to keep the music program running and Bert kinda wanted to go off and be a rock star too (sometimes, when he's in town, he'll pop in to say hi and tell fantastic stories to the kids about life on tour). Bert and Gerard had some kind of falling out (no one knows what about but most people think it was probably about the kids holiday program and Gerard's artistic vision) but they're trying to be civil to each other, mainly for the sake of Brian who's really good friends with Bert and also strangely Bob, who it turns out went to high school with Bert or something.

* * *

The kids all pick up on the undercurrents of tension, so they decide that EVERYONE has to have a stuffed animal named after them (because obviously that's what the fight was about, Gerard being jealous of Bert the lion), so there's Bert the lion, and Pete who's totally the puppy, because Hemmy's always chewing on that one, and Frank the bunny rabbit, and Bob the turtle, and Mikey the UNICORN. and they have so much trouble trying to work out which one's Gerard until someone (probably Frank) finds a slightly squished ferret toy in the massive big pile of stuffed animals, and that's Gerard because hello, attention span.

The kids decide they totally have to call the wolf Ray, except one of the other kids, his name is Stanley but he REALLY HATES being called that (so you'd better not), he's all, 'no, seriously, didn't you know? The wolf and turtle are mortal enemies, so we can't have Bob the turtle and Ray the wolf, that just won't work. 'cause they're like, best friends or something. Besides, Ben already named the wolf, he's called Dief.'. And he throws his arm around Ben, the transfer student from Canada who moved down to the area with his grandparents last fall. Ben's totally HIS best friend, after the incident in the bank the other week.

'You can name the panther Ray, that'd work. He's all sleek and stuff.' Yeah, kids and their undercurrents. They can tell that sometimes Ray's a bit awkward about the fro.

Ben doesn't say anything. he's normally pretty quiet anyway.

* * *

Also, well, after Bob finally pounces Ray they all get back to work the next morning and everyone is pretty much surgically attached to their coffee and looking kind of like death and Frank looks at the nearly untouched boxes of new stock and makes despair-face and just asks "Did ANYONE do any work last night?" and to their great chagrin, Pete and Patrick actually got more done than anyone else ("And I don't even work here!" Pete says smugly, and Frank reminds himself to get his social security number at some point because clearly, CLEARLY he is going to have to start paying him at some point, and he likes to stay on the good side of the IRS.) before they went off to _their_ little corner of debauchery, and Frank just gives up because he's not going to get anywhere today. And he's not at his best, brightest and most bushy-tailed either, really. So.

And the third time that Brian tried to use the employee bathroom - actually use it! for legitimate bathroom-related reasons! - and could see suspiciously too many pairs of shoes under the door, none of which exited with any due speed after he had even KNOCKED and maybe bitched a little, but quietly so it didn't carry through to the library proper - those old ladies from the rest home were SCARY when they thought your language was out of line, and he didn't want to get on their shit list. Actually, he didn't want to get on any of their lists, because the number of people hiding around the Macs - because 'no, dearie, the card catalogue has been fine my whole life so far, I'll leave those machines to you and your friends, thank you' - to avoid 'fond' pinches seemed to be increasing by the week. As a result, he had to go beg the key off Vicky next door to use THEIR bathroom instead, and as a consequence of that, he used his impressive technological skills to photoshop up a sign which got plastered on the bathroom door first thing the next morning, reading "FOR SINGLE OCCUPANCY ONLY" above a diagram of the building which had completely unsubtle arrows (in red, labelled in Times New Roman) reading "try HERE instead" pointing at most of the less-public nooks and crannies in the place.

Pete snickered and beat Bob to making comments about how single occupancy might not exactly help (Brian scribbled "PS, don't even THINK about that, we all know where you live okay?" in blue ballpoint underneath the black text), and Brendon just beamed at him and asked if he had been intending to start a bingo pool with it, and Brian growled before stalking out of the staffroom/kitchen area to find Mikey and drag him back to the cleaning supplies closet, because he has some real fond memories of that closet. Besides, he might find something in there later to wash out the filthy mouths of his tragically over-sexed (at least in the last twenty four hours) co-workers.

* * *

Oh, and the prank war. Pete started out simple, he TP'd Matt's library late one night. Then, when that didn't have the reaction he'd hoped (Matt just sighed and made John, Jesse and Tom clean it up), he convinced his friend Andy (who was some sort of stealth ninja) to help him break into the library after hours and steal back Bert. And also the life-sized standee of Christopher Lee as Saruman that they had in the DVD area, because 'Patrick'll totally have KITTENS when he finds that behind his desk on Monday, man!'. And they also rearranged all the themed 'reading is awesome' posters they'd had one of the local artists do, so that they were all upside down. Pete wanted to glue all the furniture to the ceiling, but Andy managed to convince him that they really didn't have time for that, so Pete settled with wrapping everything in Dom's office in tinfoil. Even the individual paperclips. He knew Bert would approve.

When Ryan sauntered in the next morning he'd just looked at Saruman and gone "hrm" and then come back an hour later with leftover Christmas lights and draped them around him in an unexpectedly festive fashion.

"Payback for the trees around Isengard," he said, and everyone just nodded and carried on with their days.

(We bet someone missed the tinfoil when they wanted to make baked potatoes in the toaster oven for lunch, though.)

* * *

Gerard totally leaves the coffee-flavoured lube his Secret Santa gave him (seriously, that was NOT as funny as everyone else thought, jeez, assholes) around various places with the cap left off artistically. It seems like a solid plan until Frank starts giving him shit about how he hasn't got to actually take it for a test-drive yet, and so the game is essentially up then. Brian isn't dumb enough to think Gerard would touch anyone else.

* * *

There totally had been a pool, at some point, about Frank and Gerard (we're guessing it was actually Spencer's idea), and just when exactly one of them would snap and jump the other (and who it would be - most people had Frank down, but Ray and Jon both put in a bet for Gee. Mikey refused to participate). Pete tried to cheat by giving Brendon the spiked eggnog to hand out at the Christmas party, but Frank surprisingly was a lightweight and Bob ended up having to drive him home. After that Pete wasn't allowed to make any more bets, because that eggnog had been dangerous.

Some people twigged more quickly than others to the extremely spiked nature of the eggnogg. Some of them got it instantly (oh Pete) but, well, the others. And Brendon just got bouncier and no one would've noticed he'd been partaking as well until he went from Tigger to snoring on Jon's shoulder in the space of about ten seconds. Frank, when he recovered from both the eggnogg and the hangover, just tried not to think about what else he could now be accused of corrupting minors in his employ with.

And the really, really frustrating thing about the whole archives hook-up thing - for everyone else - was that NO ONE had any idea who actually jumped whom first. And none of them are quite brave/stupid enough to actually ask. Poor Mikey. His life is so hard. His brother keeps looking all RUMPLED (well, okay, more so than usual) and like he's been making out in closets and outside behind the fire stairs in front of him. He kind of has to take a small break himself every time he accidently thinks about it too long.

Frank finally manages to overhear a rumour about him and Gerard, and the pool, and realizes that no one knows yet about the security camera he had installed in the archives room, after that one time with the break-in. He's really glad he's already confiscated the tapes, though, for his own personal files. One day, when he's sure it won't freak Gerard out, he might play them for him.

* * *

**C:** Hey, I wonder how often they have to chase rowdy kids out of the library, and how often the 'rowdy kids' at the end of the day are, you know, staff.

**R:** After the Crude-O debacle (which eventually everyone but Spencer found funny for some reason), Pete and Frank decide that a weekly dastardly plot is in order, just to keep everyone on their toes. They do most of their plotting in the cushion nook, after Patrick finds them hiding under his desk one too many times and bans them from his area. Gerard has decided to start an evil plots club of his own because he's stick of Pete stealing his boyfriend. He and Brendon decide to become evil masterminds and take over the world, or at least the library. They're getting some help from one of Brendon's school friends, this guy Jared. Gerard thinks Jared's pretty cool, if only because it means he's not the biggest drama queen in the library any more. Jared's older brother Shannon tags along sometimes, but most of the time he ends up hanging out with Jon (who Brendon has decided is his minion) because he really cannot cope with the extra hyper that the three of them generate between them. He can get his glare on just as well as Bob though, so Brendon's learnt that pouncing on Shannon really isn't that great of an idea. Most of the time.

Jon is sort of quietly amused at Brendon's evil overlord act but just goes along with it because, well, it's BRENDON.

And Spencer just scoffs, because Brendon as an evil overlord? With that love for Disney, and those hoodies? And Mikey would smirk, because he knows his brother way too well, and there's no way Gerard would be able to keep track of everything required to be an evil overlord, it's just too complicated. And Mikey would know. Because he really is an evil overlord, he's just on vacation at the moment. Although he's considering joining team Bob/Ray, just to mess with his brother's mind.

(The Gerard-Brendon unholy alliance was totally sparked by one particular prank, and, okay, in hindsight, Pete getting Gabe involved - not that you could really call him an INNOCENT bystander, but it was the principle of the thing and he wasn't _staff_ \- was a mistake. And William chucked a spectacular hissy fit because Gabe was just back from a run to the corner shop and that was his COFFEE!)

Ray and Bob enter the pranking fray (and are ruthless and efficient enough to totally school the others when they put their minds to it) not because they feel left out or even particularly picked on by previous pranks, but more because they figure a) under the cover of an all-out prank war they'll get away with more and b) the fact that Frank, when bored and caffeinated - or, okay, just when he is, you know, around - has a tendency to take that as sufficient reason to scale Mt Bob, which Bob actually doesn't mind that much, except now Brendon is picking up the habit and Pete and Jared have started giving him speculative looks too, and if Bob is screwing up his back he'd like it to be as a result of stupidly hot sex with his boyfriend, not hyperactive semi-midgets that he happens to work with. Decaffeinating the staff room was only part one of their plan.

* * *

**C:** Hee, it's like a motivational- 'Drummers- not for pouncing!' (well, unless they're in really good moods and are in your band. So Brendon and Frank get one exception each, hee.)

* * *

Pete has this idea one day on how to get more teens into the library and reading books. Because he's not always just about the pranking, and Patrick has been at him to contribute USEFUL stuff more often, not that he doesn't appreciate the efforts to keep them all entertained thankyou Pete, but really! So, Pete thinks they should do a stop motion animation using all the action figures and other geek things they have lying around the library to promote reading and post it on youtube, and of COURSE Bob's in charge of the boom mike and keeps trying to poke people in the face with it. Originally Frank was very way of the idea, but Ray though it was great (he's been watching Robot Chicken with Gee on his lunch breaks) and somehow Ray is the one person no one at the library can say no to. Because he's RAY.

A few notes about the action figure collection:

There's totally a Kirk and a Spock, and Gerard re-enacts scenes from TOS. And maybe some porn, too.

They end up with like the most crazy and varied collection of stuff - almost all mint, of course - and other people would come to study it and help build it up more because they are all GIANT GIANT dorks.

They have almost all the LotR figures, and Legolas has a snowboard.

Frank: "what is THAT?"  
Ryan: "Mutant orgy. It's best not to ask."  
Frank: * is really glad he's not that fond of Spiderman really *

They also have all the cheesy kids ones like He-Man stuff. Secretly Gerard loves She-Ra, but admitting that is a bit much even for him. But still. And, of course, a massive collection of Ninja Turtles. And Brian collects the McDonald's toys - only the vintage ones, not the really crappy plastic ones from the mid-nineties onwards, that is - and they're all over his workstation/repair room out the back. They have the ENTIRE Wacky Racers collection, including the pigeon, which Ray rigs up to hang from the top.

MAYBE SOMEONE MAKES AN UNWISE COMMENT ABOUT FRANK RESEMBLING DANGER MOUSE. AND THEN THERE ARE SHENANIGANS.

Also, Ray totally has a large (like one of the 15") mint Bumblebee figure which he will not let ANYONE touch. Except maybe Bob. When he's feeling especially well laid.

...and they all live happily ever after. With really a lot of books. :D


End file.
